The unsung untruths hidden by silence

silhouette of man standing against black and red background

“When truth is replaced by silence, the silence is a lie.” – Yevgeny Yevtushenko

In building upon episode number of the project mindfully outdoor podcast and self harm awareness. I wanted compose an article that further explores just how my recovery from self harm came about. In away the offers understanding, hope, and encouragement to anyone that may be dealing with self harm. Also this article is intended to give someone on the outside looking in on the slippery slope that is the life of some who engages in self harm.

In the world of self harm has I’ve lived it the Yevgeny Yevtushenko quote may be the most graceful words I’ve ever applied to it. I say this because what started for me has a bad coping skill did indeed lock me with in a world of silence that formed a deep rooted lie with in myself.

The narrative that I became trapped with in was this – self harm was my life line and no one would understand any aspect of what or why I was doing what this. There for both my reliance and the act grew and encompassed every aspect of both my way of coping and my world in which I lived. For many years I found truth in how I viewed my relationship which self harm.

That all chanced on a summer day when I was battling with suicidal urges. On this day I had formed a plan and begun to put it into action. I was lost with in crisis mode yet beyond those urges I truly still wanted to live.

As I went thru each step of my plan I reached for my life line to no real avail. It was during this morning I found the lie within myself that was hiding within my relationship with self harm. That being locked with my urges and actively engaged in my suicide plan self harm couldn’t save remove any of this, to be blunt – self harm couldn’t save me. I made a mess of myself yet found no relief, no safety, and no end to cry of those calls for suicide on this day.

Has stood there with my hands and foot on the first runs of the latter I felt so torn. There was still this soft voice like a whisper of life almost drowned out by the scream of blackness. With in those screams I recall even feeling forsaken and betrayed by my relationship with self harm for failing me.

I can’t tell you how long I stood there just waiting on a sign before I tasted something with a deep breath that made me pick up the phone. I walked away from the latter and I broke my silence. In a way I felt if self harm turned its back on me I would the same. As I walked out and sat on the ground in the grass with my arm wrapped in a towel to wait for a new kind of help to arrive.

These are the unspoken and misunderstood truths that was buried with in my relationship with self harm. For myself it was never a simple one. The on going fight with in and the to much time spent with my “tools” fostered a voice that had never felt so mute or confused. It all was a vicious cycle that I never understood all in the name of trying to live.

There for on this day of national self harm awareness let all of us come together and provide both hope and understanding to those in this world that are walking this path. It is my hope that my story will indeed bring each and everyone that reads it to the feet, to rise up and take action. Understandable that this a real thing and the roots of why it is done are deeply rooted and real to those of us who have or are still actively self harming.


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