Think of it has message left behind

lighted candle lot

“ No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear” -C.S. Lewis

It’s been very somber are camp and thru out the Project Mindfully Outdoors camp over past few weeks. Not only dealing with laying to rest a some dear friends and great people that have not only touched and left their mark on myself, but also the world. With heavy hearts in hand and moment of silence that we offer a final good bye and hopes of a peaceful slumber has you exit this world.

While being surrounded by my own personal sense of grief and giving my support to those around me in their time of need. I can’t help but reflect upon what these sad experiences have shown me about myself.

The other morning while looking in the mirror I couldn’t help but to feel this under toned feeling of irony. In that thru these sad experiences I can’t help but admit a truth to myself. That truth is that I am indeed alive. Has I spoke this truth out loud to my reflection I came to understand that statement goes more than skin deep. Sure being vertical and breathing or any other automatic tasks our body’s do time and time again to be alive. It was a mental level that I was able to say those words.

Once that statement slipped from my lips there was a million thoughts that followed. None of which I could vocalize, and all of which brought on a state of panic and anxiety. Those feelings began to burn so brightly because it took me out of the comfort of turning a blind eye or challenging anything that guides me forward. My habitual behavior of negative self talk fell silent. For the first time I found myself in a position that I could not negate what I was experiencing. In a way it was has if the mirror and words I spoke out loud trapped me with in this space where I was helpless to do anything but accept the facts of those truths. Which was a very scary position to be in.

Since that morning I’ve been finding myself walking this tight rope where one on a subconscious level I want to fall. Yet those words of truth are acting has a balance beam that is preventing me from that fall. This new mental surrounding I’m glaring at is something that is really new and unsteady.

Which I understand and expect to send a steady wave of anxiety thru my vanes has a way to protect myself by making stop to question this shift. However the rest of the growing pains I’m handling in stride are things I wasn’t expecting. For example I didn’t consider I’d revert to having that old skin crawling craving for self harm. There’s such an irony in these around a of urges. They are ones that are fueled by removing this new space, while still coupled with need to sooth and release the anxiety.

The grief of losing of anyone that has touched our life’s is never an easy path to walk thru, and is something I offer my gentle condolences to you in your time off grief. Thru sharing this experience with you I am also reminding you of what lays underneath the whole experience. When we lose someone that has touched our life they’re final act is to leave us with a lesson that will impact us for the remainder of our life’s.

Just as we honor them by carrying out memories within our hearts. We must also remember to carry the final mark they leave us with. That is the space to grow, learn, and experience what we gained from knowing them. Yes take the time to walk with the fear and grief that you mourn their passing while you gently allow yourself the room to accept your loss.

However remember that in time that cloud will lift and you will be a stronger person once the sunshine’s on you again. Then it will take to walk with the knowledge they left behind and honor them by living fully.

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3 thoughts on “Think of it has message left behind

  1. Powerful, friend! I felt this hard. Love and strength to you and all those you hold close in this difficult time.

    1. Thanks…. yes this passage did come out pretty raw and strong. However it is very heartfelt and reflective. Thanks for reading!!!

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